Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Philadelphia Eagles

Some people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Philadelphia Eagles. Your 2016 record: 7-9. Last season featured a five-game losing skid and all nine losses coming in the last 12 games. I promise you that will not stop these fans from thinking that they’re poised to go 14-2 this year and win every playoff game by 50 points. Philly fans talk a good hate game, but secretly they’re the most gullible marks in the world. Your coach: Doug Pederson, who always looks like he’s about to offer you a hamburger off his grill. Pederson is only in his second season and yet—bizarrely—he’s already on the hot seat and being treated as a placeholder body (just like when he was a QB!) by football ops guy and possible Stephen Miller body double Howie Roseman: Doug stayed to the side. Doug did not speak unless spoken to first. Doug did not assert. Doug confirmed. Doug nodded in agreement. Doug deferred. Doug did not betray or reveal any contributions to the research and scouting and thought process that went into each draft pick, because Doug is not Andy Reid or Chip Kelly or Bill Belichick or any number of head coaches who act or have acted as the nerve centers for their respective teams. This was Roseman and Douglas’ show, their exchanged glances and the awkward anecdotes about their collaboration reaffirming how closely they had worked together and how relatively small Pederson’s role had been. That seems healthy. Why can’t this team have a NORMAL relationship with its coach? There’s less jockeying for power in the White House, for shit’s sake. Your quarterback: Dakota Boy. This guy and his fucking hunting trips. I’ve really, truly had enough. We get it, kid. You like to hunt. You’re a COUNTRY BOY OOOOOOOH. Congrats on being every baseball player ever. If there were such a thing as karma, one of Carson Wentz’s own linemen would have accidentally blasted his foot off. It’s like someone took the worst parts of JJ Watt and made a QB out of it. Meanwhile, Wentz’s game log from last season read like someone charted declining literacy rates in Bridesburg. He was the Second Coming for three games and then proceeded to suck. If he were black, people would have said they finally got tape on him. But because he’s white and hunts, he’ll get another 15 years to prove himself. Bible-humping jackass. Backing up Wentz is whatever’s left of Nick Foles’s confidence. What’s new that sucks: It’s a hallmark of Howie Roseman’s tenure that any time this team shows a whiff of promise, they must instantly go into WIN NOW OR ELSE IT’S EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT BUT HOWIE’S mode. Hence bringing in Alshon Jeffery (hurt already), Torrey Smith, Chris Long, Timmy Jernigan, and LeGarrette Blount, who is worthless any time he isn’t playing for New England. One step out of Massachusetts and the man magically gains 60 pounds. Today, they traded away Jordan Matthews and are left with the only group of wideouts on earth who drop more passes than he does. All of this is destined to fail. These are the Eagles. You should know this by now. However, the city of Philadelphia is currently in the grip of a strange disease brought on by the failed former general manager of the city’s most hapless sports franchise. Now every hapless Philly team is spouting TRUST THE PROCESS like a bunch of braindead goons. Pederson said it. Roseman said it. As if you should ever trust the process of any Philly team. Have you MET Philadelphia? This is where promise goes to die. You guys are the same sorry bunch of meat-breathing losers you’ve always been, and the Eagles are still run by the same office politician who brought you the Vince Young/Nnamdi Asomugha Dream Team. The last supposed visionary this team employed got shoved out of town after less than three years of service. But give these people a white redneck at QB and suddenly they’re all sunshine and rainbows. What a load. There’s every possibility that Wentz will struggle in his second season, and the defense will blow, after which everyone will chuck their patience and start screaming for blame. And you know what? That’s for the best. Optimism doesn’t suit you, Philly. It’s like seeing John Daly in a tuxedo. And why are 60 percent of the fans bald? IS IT SOMETHING IN THE WOODER? Literally every Eagles fan is a racist bald guy in a Buddy Ryan-era jersey. What has always sucked: Jeff Lurie is the exact kind of billionaire liberal fundraiser raconteur that deserves to be sealed in an oil tanker. He can hang with Spielberg and talk a big game about putting a nacho compost pile in the corner of the Linc, but he’s just as much of a humorless, dictatorial bastard as the rest of them: Fuck him. As for Philly, no one who talks about it as an up-and-coming the city has ever been west of 45th Street. Philly’s subway system literally goes up and down just three streets, and until less than a year ago it used tokens. Now there’s a new pass system, and it’s very simple, but in perfect Philly fashion, everyone is too stupid to understand even that somehow, which is why everyone thinks it sucks. The stadiums are in a shitty, out of the way giant parking lot that is walkable to nothing except the hulking Xfinity Live supermeatheadbar. Philly’s big culinary creations are the complicated concoctions of “hot meat and cheese on bread” and “cold meat and cheese on bread.” There is, for some reason, a giant dude in the skyline. There is, for some other reason, a statue of a fictional boxer that is one of the city’s top tourist attractions. The humidity is approximately 275 percent in summer. And the Eagles are somehow even worse. Since McNabb left, the only good moments the Eagles have had were directed by a fat little idiot from college alongside a dog killer. And the racist fans didn’t like McNabb, the best QB the team has ever had, anyway. The new-ish stadium is somehow a worse place to watch a game than the toilet the team used to play in, and every year they sign free agents who bomb. They’re never going to win a Super Bowl. Serves you all right. You people think eating at a gas station is the height of cuisine. Did you know? Amoroso rolls are the new batteries. What might not suck: Just being in the same division as the Skins and Cowboys gives you people a leg up sympathy-wise that you really don’t deserve. HEAR IT FROM EAGLES FANS! Dvora: I went to one Phillies game and my friends kept trying to shush me as I actively rooted for the opposing team cause they thought the drunk fans were going to murder us. Andy: Temple University football has won more championship trophies at Lincoln Financial Field than the Eagles have. Justin: The best QBs in this teams modern era have been Randall Cunningham, Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick – all guys I’ve heard described in the parking lot as quarterbacks who “could not read a defense.” Now everyone is happy with Flacco Jr. Mark: They make the Phillies look like they have potential, make the Flyers look like they have nice fans and make the Sixers look smart. Joe: Kellyanne Conway. David: Our idiot mouth breathing fans and lazy sports radio hosts love to talk about defensive end Brandon Graham like he’s an all-pro. Graham had 5.5 sacks last year. Sean: I’m an Eagles fan, and I hate 95 percent of Eagles fans. Philly citizenry buy the most sweatpants in America. Ian: I searched my gmail outbox for “Philadelphia Eagles” to make sure I wasn’t submitting anything I’d sent in previous years. I found the following outgoing subject lines, presented chronologically: 11/17/05: I hate life 12/8/06: They are dead to me 4/29/07: I’ll kill you 5/1/07: Oh fuck 6/29/07: I owe you an apology 12/19/11: There were two people in feet costumes behind Rex Ryan at the game yesterday 1/17/14: Football Sunday? Absolutely not 4/21/15: Fucking TEBOW? Bill: The first two words any Eagles fan learns as a kid are “cautiously optimistic.” The next six are “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT” Jonathan: The defunct USFL Stars and the arena league teams have 3 titles combined. Steve: Nelson Agholor dude, holy shit. Julie: Nelson Agholor couldn’t catch rabies from a stampede of frothing wildebeests. Lee: What was Pederson’s signature decision in his first year? Challenging a 2-yard reception in the 3rd quarter of a game so that instead of 2nd and 8 it was 2nd and 10. Matt: The best QB in team history threw-up during our only Super Bowl appearance in my lifetime (I’m almost 30), leading to the 3rd best WR on a team that employed Todd Pinkston having to call a play in the huddle. We let FRED-EX call a play in the Super Bowl. William: Two seasons ago my Dad and I went to see the Eagles play Miami. Seated behind us were three of the most miserable human beings on the planet, who provided running commentary throughout the game. After every play (whether successful or not), these three loudly explained why the play call was idiotic, the players involved were awful, and the team was doomed to fail. The fact that the Eagles were up 16 to 3 at the end of the first quarter did nothing to quiet them. These men had paid hundreds of dollars to sit in uncomfortable seats for four hours in November and expound on why they despised what they were doing. And then, sure enough, late in the fourth quarter, with the Eagles in field goal range and down by 1, Mark Sanchez (because, obviously) tried to be a hero and instead threw an interception in the end zone. After listening to these three joyless dipshits behind me for an entire game, I was forced to admit they had been right all along. Michael: They gave Andy Reid the shitcan, replaced him with that security robot that fell into a fountain, and replaced that thing with Andy Reid’s dopey kid brother. Doug Pederson talks like a hungover Foghorn Leghorn and makes the same awful in-game mistakes Andy Reid does. This franchise is never, ever going to win a Super Bowl. Ryan: Our quarterback is an over the top Jesus freak from North Dakota. He has AO1 tattooed on his arm (Audience of 1) and puts bible quotes on his cleats. He said drinking over Memorial Day weekend was some kind of devil’s hobby. Give me devil worshiping Tom Brady any day. Hank: My Dad has been an Eagles fan for forever. In the mid 90s, I decided to get him for Christmas an Eagles cap. Fast forward about 15 years later (and after many seasons of suffering with his Iggles’ ineptitude), he and my Mom had to move due to imminent domain issues related to the highway near their house. The house ended up being knocked down and partially razed over to make way for an extra lane. One day I asked ‘Hey Pop, whatever happened to that Eagles hat?’ He looked at me and replied, “I left that thing at the old house.” Matthew: Our CBs are the equivalent of a smoldering tire fire and the top draft pick we used to address the position is coming off a torn Achilles. Fuck Donovan McNabb. Sent from my iPad Nicholas: For everyone using the “Wentz had no good receivers!” excuse, he finished 29th out of 30 eligible QBs in Yards Per Attempt, well behind professional stopgaps like Trevor Siemian, Case Keenum, and Ryan Fitzpatrick, and even lower than Blake Bortles, a human bag of flour. Wentz, a “project,” is also 24 years old, a fact that somehow makes Jared Goff look good — at least Goff has two years to improve to Wentz’s level of mediocrity. But hey, Wentz is HARD-NOSED. He’ll crack open his skull diving for a first down because that’s the way we do things here in Philly! [chugs a 64 oz. Wawa lemonade tea, falls into diabetic shock] John: We’re nothing more than battery throwing, Santa booing, cheese whiz snorting, fat drunkards who are so miserable with our own existence that we have to push our sadness on others. Buxton: No one chooses to be an Eagles fan. You are born into it, like clubfoot or poverty. Nik: And while loading up the offense for an unrealistic playoff run, Roseman cut both starting corners (who were terrible anyway) and replaced them with a second round corner with a torn Achilles who will miss the entire year, a third round corner who nobody expects anything from, and some journeymen free agent trash. All this in a division with four games against Odell Beckham and Dez Bryant. Anthony: The Eagles have these giant wall by pictures at the Club Level of the car Linc with words like “Passion” and a picture of a fan, “Intensity”and an image of Brian Westbrook. When Chip Kelly was fired from the Eagles last summer, the Eagles removed his picture under the title “Preparation” and replaced him with a random man grilling chicken. You can see how it used to be a big picture to the right They never put Doug Peterson on the wall. The Inspirational Chicken Man remains. Ron: A few years back the Eagles played the Saints in a Saturday night playoff game. Nothing is better than Saturday night NFL football so we bought a few upper level tickets from Stubhub and made our way down Broad Street to the Linc. After a few hours of tailgating we headed into the Linc and found our section. We bought a few beers and took our seats. About halfway though the first quarter my cousin and I headed back to the concession stand to load up on beers. As we were walking back to our seats with our beers, we starting hearing yells and boos from every angle. We sat down thinking nothing of it. However, the harassment continued as, apparently, we had purchased tickets in the “no alcohol” section of the Linc. Yes, you read that correctly. The Linc has a section where no alcohol is allowed. We were ridiculed so bad for having our beers that we had no choice but to get up and leave. The entire section cheered as we walked out of our row. We watched the rest of the game from the goddamn ramp on the southeast corner of the stadium because being able to pound beers and see half of the field is a better option that not being able to drink beer from an actual seat. So, in conclusion, fuck the asshole who came up with the idea of a dry section in an NFL stadium, fuck the losers who purposefully sit in this section and fuck Nelson Agholor. John: In college I drunkenly burned all my Eagles jerseys after the 2008 NFC title game we lost to the Cardinals. I still consider this a good and rational decision. Nathan: Carson Wentz was absolute garbage once teams got some tape on him but he’s already a god in this city off the strength of a 3-0 start. You’d think we learned our lesson with Nick Foles, but nope– ask any Eagles fan and they’ll tell you he’s the second coming. McNabb never got anything close to this much love when he was a top-5 QB for a solid decade straight. Paul: Double Fuck Andy Reid and his shitty play calling when it mattered most. Daniel: 2009 Week 10, Eagles at Chargers. ​Although I had been a Philly fan for 15+ years at that point, this game was my first time seeing the Iggles in person. I had two tickets to the game, and so I took my buddy who’d gone to school in Philly. He warned me that Philly fans are awful. I disregarded his comment, thinking that the only fans who’d make the trip would be the good fans, i.e., the ones who actually had jobs and knew how to act. I was wrong. Just a few anecdotes from me and some friends who were seated elsewhere: Before the game starts, two guys each in a Vick jersey overhear me say in a normal voice to my friend, “I didn’t think Vick jerseys were already on sale.” The guys turn around and lock eyes with me. One gives me the throat-slash gesture and the other yells, “shut your goddamn mouth before I beat your fucking ass.” Mike Tolbert catches a TD pass from Rivers in the first quarter. All the Chargers fans in my friend’s section stand and cheer, including a man and his visibly pregnant companion. Of the 100 or so SD fans in that section, the Philly fans target the pregnant woman and instruct her, “sit down you fat cunt!” My friend and I go to get beers at the end of the first quarter. The concourse concession stands were packed, so we go down to the lower level. We happen to pick the beer stand near where the police have set up the paddy wagon and are gathering the lawbreakers. One guy decked out in Philly gear from head to toe is sitting on a parking block, hands cuffed behind him. His wife/girlfriend/sister/friend is berating him. All I can clearly make her out as saying is: “Again? Every fucking game.” I saw what appeared to be an Eagles fan rip off of a SD fan’s Chargers helmet and throw it into a crowd of Chargers fans. Another Eagles fan grabbed a SD fan’s fence (D-fence) and destroyed it. At halftime we go to get more beers. Thinking that all the beer stands or concession stands would be equally packed, we wait in line at a concessions stand nearest our seats. We’re behind a man and a woman loudly complaining about how poorly the Eagles were playing and talking about how they did not travel 3000 miles to see “this horseshit.” The woman adds: “What a bunch of pussies. I have a pussy and I know what I’m talking about. Me and my pussy could play football better than those fuckers.” Note that I said we were waiting in line at a concessions stand, not a beer stand. I make that distinction so that you appreciate that in line around us were families with kids. And lots of parents who were genuinely and legitimately horrified. Irritated by “uppity douchebags” who shot her death stares, the woman loudly announces that anyone who doesn’t like her “fucking language” is free to move to another line. A group of Eagles fans in the line next to us are loudly swearing about the fact that this particular stand does not have either Yeungling or Rolling Rock. Ryan: A few years back, but not as many as this tale would lead you to believe, I was at the yearly Eagles/Cowboys tilt at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia. I was lucky enough to find myself seated next to a gentlemen whom had made it his life’s mission to attend this game so that he could give the verbal business to Deion Sanders for having the audacity to even exist let alone play for the got damn Cowgirls. An hour or so into the game I finally had enough, and explained that Deion had retired quite some time ago. In fact, he played for two teams after Dallas and then retired. The best part was no one in the stands seemed to realize this fact, but tell me again how we have the most football savvy fans here in Philly. Glenn: Jesus. Stephen: Carson Wentz threw 14 interceptions and had 14(!) fumbles last year, although somehow opposing teams only recovered 4. How did Wentz accumulate these big turnover numbers? Well, he holds the ball too long without being a Rodgers-level escape artist, seemingly cannot jump between reads, and overthrows pretty much everything because his footwork is garbage. The stuff he doesn’t overthrow? It could be in the dirt, it could be behind the receiver resulting in them contorting to adjust and being lit up by a linebacker, you just don’t know! It’s a fucking mystery box! Guess what though, you wouldn’t know this from following any local media personality, nor most national ones. They talk like Wentz is the next Favre because of his big arm! They say he’s got a little Marino in him! The interceptions were all the fault of his receivers and not his inability to hit even a running back on a screen! I once got in a Twitter fight with a local media guy over a red zone interception where Wentz hit a linebacker standing perfectly still, right in the path of Zach “I’ve been a breakout candidate since I was a rookie” Ertz. A middle schooler at recess would have known not to make that throw, but here this local guy was trying to hold Wentz’s water and argue Ertz could have made “football moves” to morph through the linebacker and make the catch for some reason. Rookies make mistakes. It’s ok to make bad reads. Pretending a rookie QB is flawless because he’s an Eagle? Fuck that. I don’t even want to get into the subset of local Iggles fan that thinks Lane Johnson’s suspension is the only thing that kept us from the playoffs. He’s a single offensive lineman, blaming his suspension for every struggle is madness. Maybe, just maybe, NFL teams got tape on Wentz and defenses were well-prepared for him after the Eagles’ hot start. At least we brought in Alshon Jeffery’s paper mache legs, a washed-up Torrey Smith, and the Patriots’ latest system running back to fix the offense. I cannot wait until a 3-game losing streak where WIP callers start demanding to give Nick Foles another shot. Todd: Wentz cared more about hunting defenseless animals, making YouTube videos with his brother about hunting animals, God and shilling his AO1 gear (for charity!?) instead of concentrating 100% on our Philadelphia Eagles. Adam: Oh boy! It’s another Eagles season with a “promising young QB” and a crop of free agents that were all really good 3 seasons ago. What could possibly go wrong? In a division with ODB, Brandon Marshall, and Dez Bryant our cornerbacks have about as much chance of success as the Germanic tribe from the first scene in Gladiator. Scott: Every time this team is playing, I turn into the stereotypical South Philly douchebag who yells obscenities at his TV and alienates everyone around him, wife included. Here is my typical progression watching the Birds play: 1ST QUARTER: I’m pumped up, I’ve got a beer or two in me already, and I only get more and more excited as Wentz makes a few good plays early in the game. We’ll score on the opening drive, and I’ll be way too excited and scream way too loudly and freak out the neighbors. Either that, or Nolan Carroll will blow a coverage and give the other team an early lead. 2ND QUARTER: After the high of the 1st quarter wears off, I generally mellow into a groggy state of dread and melancholy as our offense stalls on one too many drives and our tissue-paper secondary allows five 80-yard completions in a row. Occasionally I’ll scream WHAT THE FUCK?!?! at the TV and my wife will give me a death glare from the other side of the room. 3RD QUARTER: I’ve had my chance to recharge my batteries a little bit after halftime, and I’ll pep up for the start of the second half. But inevitably Doug Pederson will call an eleven-step dropback pass on 4th and 1 and I’ll return to my groggy state. 4TH QUARTER: At this point I am a puddle of a man from all the beverages I’ve consumed, and all I can do is let out a pathetic whimper of sadness as the Eagles blow yet another two-touchdown lead late in the 4th. I won’t be right again until Monday morning. Fuck this team, fuck our receiving corps of nothing but prosthetic hands, fuck the congestion of discount Charlie Kellys in our fanbase, fuck the process, and double fuck Sam Hinkie in the ass with Joel Embiid’s overinflated ego (seriously, the guy has played almost-not-quite half a season in his career, but he has the ego of Shaq in his prime). Dylan: Fuck Chip Kelly, Fuck Chip Kelly, and Fuck Chip Kelly. Seriously Fuck Chip Kelly. We had playmakers when he inherited the team from Andy, all Chip managed to do was throw them all away and draft horribly. He set the Eagles back years. Imagine the Eagles if we had Wentz, Jackson, Maclin and McCoy. But no we have Matthews, Agholor, and Green-Beckham. Fuck Chip Kelly. Dirt: Did you know that the NFC East has more Lombardi trophies in it than any other division in football? Yep, a shit ton of them. Every OTHER team in my division has at least 3, except the Eagles, who have none. No matter how big a dumpster fire the Cowboys, or that Washington team become, if I mention it, I’m forced to endure a lecture from some jamoke who most likely became a fan during those teams heyday. The shit is tiring. We just want one fucking SB ring. Please Jesus just one damned ring. Also no one likes us, and we are considered the worst fans in the world. What’s awesome about that is that we accepted that role years ago, and really lean into it now. Samuel: I have been an Eagles fan for twenty-five years even though I’m from Central Virginia. I root for them because my older brother, my hero, was born in Philadelphia and roots for them. I could bitch about the WIP caller fans, I could bitch about no Super Bowls. But I’m not, I’m going to bitch about 10-6. 10-6. In my lifetime the Eagles have gone 10-6 nine times (I’m 31). Remember Stringer Bell’s monologue about forty degree days on the Wire? That’s 10-6. 10-6 is just good enough to make the playoffs and be the cannon fodder for some great team. 10-6 wins a Wild Card game and then gets destroyed 42-7 against a much better team. When I look at Doug Pederson I think, “That man is 10-6.” Oh, but next year could be our year! God I hate myself. Mike: I am so pumped for the “Wentz has receivers that will catch the ball now” hype train to derail. We’ll go 8-8 or 7-9 with an offense that looks good on paper but is coached by discount Andy Reid. Wentz will be the screen pass champion of 2017. The wet paper bags and 6th round picks we have as a defense will be in complete disarray by week 7. Toby: I do research in Slovenia and Croatia as an academic. When I was in grad school, I lived in Slovenia for about a year learning the language and working on my masters thesis topic, which involved esoteric knowledge of hay racks. Anyhow, I was living in this little town in the middle of nowhere and the NFL season started. I had been away from the states for about 3 months at this time, homesick, and dying to hear someone speak English without Vlad the Impaler’s accent. There were, at this time, young people who spoke English, but mostly I was around farmers who farmed so old-school that the Amish would get hard-ons watching them. I once had 14 shots of schnapps in an afternoon because I was introduced to 14 old farmers I didn’t know and you have to do a shot of schnapps when introduced or you are a fucking ingrate or something. Note: Schnapps in this context means “homemade firewater,” not the stuff that goes in Fuzzy Navels. I was desperate to just have a few minutes of “home.” I found out that there was a bar in the capital, Ljubljana, that showed NFL games live. I figured that there would be other Americans there and we could be expatriate convivial and what not. So I drive down the mountain to the city, find the bar, settle into a spot where the pregame was on. I had no idea what teams were going to be on this feed, but it didn’t matter. Football. Cheap beer. The national lager was 150 tolars a 500ml bottle. 75 cents. The game was the Eagles vs Cowboys. Yes! I come from a long line of degenerate Eagles fans. The worst kind too: We are all educated, respected members of our communities and still do not know any better. I get my first beer and say to the bartender in my bad Slovene. “Eagles. Partizan sem!” (Eagles. I am a fan.). The bartender leaned in and told me in English that I had better watch my shit and not pick any fights or break anything or he would beat me senseless. I also had to pay for my beers upfront. Fuck. Really? It really has spread to a small Balkan country that Eagles fans are that bad. I asked him how he knew this. “I am a Browns fan.” A lot of Slovenes emigrated to Cleveland back in the day. “Only worst fans are Eagles fans. Pijanci in bedaki.” Drunks and idiots. I sat there and watched silently as McNabb hung 44 points on the Cowboys. A table of embassy types who were Cowboys fans were bitching and moaning. Every time I looked over at them and just about started to “E-A-G-L-E-S” their asses that bartender gave me the stink eye. Fuck Level 700 of Veterans Stadium with a hlapec. Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Arizona Cardinals. Relatedfootball sportsbooksnfl prop betsncaa football sportsbooksbetting nba onlinebetting sites for mlbtop betting sites for nhlufc bettingbetting soccer onlinecopa america betting